May 5, 2015: Preparation

When I went back to the Doctor a couple of weeks ago, a new lab test showed that the strong medications I had taken, had indeed gotten rid of the amoeba in my gut.  That is huge.  Like STEP ONE:  The Amoeba Has Left The Premises.

To approach STEP TWO:  Assess and Repair Damage Done by the Amoeba, I have decided to return to TrueNorth Healing Center in Santa Rosa, for a healing water fast.  I have “Post Infectious Irritable Bowel Syndrome” and frankly, I have no room in my life for a chronic illness.  I accept the fact that this is here, and I intend to heal from it in the quickest way I firmly believe will work:  Stop all eating and drinking except for water.  Get to a place where I can be monitored by professionals.  Be in a state of rest, contemplation, and gentle movements.

I’ve done quite a few juice fasts in the past 10-15 years, but only twice have I done a water fast.  The first time Marin and I did it together, at home with baby Sofia who appropriately needed a lot of my attention and energy.  I managed about 7 days before stopping the fast.  It was tough.  The second time was last year at the farm for a Lent seminar, and the support of the whole group fasting and many practices helped the 6 day fast flow fairly well.

Now my intention is to enter into a deep healing and I know I’m not strong enough to keep it up at home.  So before we are fully immersed into our new California lives (mainly, jobs), Marin and I agreed this is the time for me to go on a fasting healing journey.

The hardest part by far is being apart from Marin, Sofia, Michelle.  They will visit every week.  But my Mommy insides ache with love, guilt, concern – a big pack of stuff.  I’m working very hard to pull out the negative parts of the package and to simply hold the amazing depth of love and connection that I have to my family, to remember that I’m taking care of myself in order to be as fully here as I can for my children and husband in the long term picture.

I miss you, Sofia. You’re so proud of your new bicycle that we gave you for your sixth birthday.  I’ve loved watching you learn to ride this past week, with Papa holding on until you could pedal all by yourself.  I felt how good it was for you to look up and see me watching you:  Mommy love gave you a burst of strength to pedal a little bit harder on that last incline.  I know how much it means to you when I pick you up from your new Kindergarten – when both of us are scanning the boisterous crowd at the gate and we find each other and shout together, “Mommy!”  “SO-FEE-AA!” and we hold hands walking to the car, and you show me your art project, a library book, a little flower.

Michelle, I know at your age that my presence is an anchor for you to return to, as you explore your expanding world.  You will be 3 in June, but you are such a grown up 2 year old, it’s easy to forget:  You’re still 2, really closer to being a baby than a big girl.  You are remarkable in your independence.  “Michelle wants to do it her-SELF…Mommy, no, give me my sock…I cannnn’t…I cannn’t do it, why my sock not working?”  And yes, you need me.  Especially in a challenging moment, you come to me so that our chests press close and I hold you with no words needed.  Our hearts find each other and find the rhythm so that they beat together..my heart calms you and your heart catches up and senses that otherness and is given strength.  Soon you pull away these days, your boo-boo or drama utterly forgotten and the next moment excitedly met with curious enthusiasm.  But often as you enter the next scene, you look up quickly to see that I’m there.  When I am, our eyes meet and I say without words, “I’m with you…you’re safe.” and your sturdy little Self wordlessly replies, “Yes.  You’re here and I’m safe.”

In writing all of that right now, I want to cry and go find them and grab them and hold them tight, and maybe just take medication like most other normal people do and be home and swallow my pills and go fly a kite with them.

However:  Marin is with them and he is the most devoted, engaged father I’ve ever known.  How incredibly miraculous that he happens to be the father of my children:  He is my partner.  He’s assured me, “I’ve got them…it’s okay to go.”

And:  I happen to believe in natural healing more than pills and this is too serious to deal with lightly.  I’ve got something that has to be taken care of.

Okay.  No more discussion.

So I arrived at TrueNorth on Sunday.  Let’s call that Day 1.  In terms of fasting, it is a preparation day, of eating a vegan diet.  Monday was Day 2.  I continued the vegan diet and met with my Doctor, who had met with me when I came here just after returning from the Dominican Republic.  He wouldn’t let me stay and fast then, saying, “I’m sorry but we don’t have the luxury of time to let you fast your infection away.  You’ve got to go and get rid of it with medication, this is one of those exceptions that fasting can’t address.  As soon as it’s gone, though, you are welcome to come back and heal from the damage that is done.”

I told Dr. Klaper, “I’m back…ready to go.  Yes, the amoeba is gone, and yes, it has wreaked havoc on my insides, my intestines are a mess.”

“Excellent!”  Dr. Klaper said, “Your fast will be brilliant, it’s the perfect time to do this.”

Per plan, today, Day 3, I will have light green juices, and tomorrow I start the water fast.  My intention is to water fast for 21 days.  I cannot imagine it so I am not thinking about it except day by day.  Literally one day at a time.

Worst moment so far was last night when a caffeine withdrawal headache came on that was so bad, it almost became a migraine.  The light in the bathroom made me nauseated and I thought I was going to throw up.  I laid in bed and had some doubting moments:  “This is crazy.  You’re not up for this, you can’t do it, you’re not prepared.  You haven’t even started water yet and already this is horrible….”

But I just laid in bed with my head on the pillow and lights off, and reminded myself I didn’t have to do anything, not even sleep.  I can just lay, that’s all I have to do.

Next thing I knew, it was 3 am, and I realized the headache was gone.

There is an enormously inspirational group of people here to come to know, who are on their own healing journey.  Some have water fasted for 41 days.  Some are dealing with cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, rheumatoid arthritis…they inspire me.  The staff inspires me.  I’m ready.  Well, at least I’m ready for today, Day Three, Green Juice.  Ready for this moment.

To everyone, may we all truly find and keep peace, love, happiness, health, safety and goodness within.  Every One.