September 15, 2014: A Field of Hopes…

I see that it’s been five days since my last post…HI out there!  … I would write ten thousand pages to you, if I could type that fast.  Or just one word.  Either way, I have right now, to be with you.

It seems that we have taken another step into the rainforest, another level of settling into the pace and the way of rainforest life.  I took a few minutes yesterday to simply sit in our house during an afternoon downpour of rain.  It’s truly delightful and powerful when the sky lets loose a storm in the rainforest.  The rain slams so hard on our roof that you can barely hear someone talking right next to you.  But I sat alone, for a little while, and watched the collected streams flow down from the roof creases.

You know how you can SAY something to yourself, over and over, and know it’s true..and then the difference between that and when you fully experience the thought as a state of being?  I had that experience yesterday with the phrase, “There’s nothing to worry about…”  As the rain fell and I sat watching, the fully embraced, ultimate state of “There’s nothing to worry about” entered and became me.  It wasn’t a startling, atmospheric blast of an epiphany.  It was more like watching a sunrise:  Watching the rising awareness that colored and filled in the edges and center of me, joined with a calm clarity that this is really true, always.  There is nothing to worry about.

It was noticeable particularly because I’m in a body/mind/person that frequently lives in the condition of “Oh!  I’m worried about this..and that…and this might happen, and that WILL happen someday, and oh…” , an endless conversation within myself of assorted lists of things to worry about.  The topics can be anything from worrying about when I need to feed Sofia next before she becomes cranky and upset, to the possibilities – and inevitability -of my loved ones (and my own) deaths…really, there are an endless number of things to worry about, if one lives in a state of worry.  Endless.  Never ending.  There is ALWAYS something to worry about, if I’m in that state of worry.

Things will happen.  Every one of us reading (and writing) this sentence someday, will die; your death will come either before or after mine.  Before that, some heavy shit will fall.  For sure.  Yet in that place of “nothing to worry about,” it’s not a place of naivety or denial…it’s somehow swallowing everything, and becoming the understanding that there’s “nothing to worry about.”  It’s partly that there is no use, no help in worrying, that’s one part of the door in.  Yet more fully, the relaxed acceptance of what is, right now.

So what is, right now?  (What is, for you, right now?:))

I’m sitting in this Dominican kind of mini-food court in a grocery store w/ piped in music blaring, to the tune of “Sugar sugar, awwww honey honey, you are my candyyyy girl, and you got me wanting you…” that Neil Diamond (I think ?) used to sing about a million years ago.  I’m probably the only one that knows the words.  People around me are speaking in a language I still have yet to learn, eating fried plantains and tripe soup.  Some people stare at me.  I look foreign, although most of the staff here is getting used to seeing me at a table with my laptop a couple times a week.  In between the songs, a chanting ad of “LA SIRENAAA” (the name of this grocery store, which translates to The Mermaid”) shouts out.  The girls know it by heart now, and every time we pass a billboard with La Sirena advertised on it, they shout “LA SIRENAAAAA!” like the ad.

A fly keeps landing on my face.  The music just stopped.  Everything stops:  Electricity goes on and off in this country at least two or three times a day.  It flickers off and on – lights, song, movement – possibly as the generator struggles to kick in.

Last night the state of “There’s nothing to worry about,” slithered away from me and was replaced by a part of me that gets very hurried and amped.  It was noticeable so hopefully I can keep the taste of it and catch it next time.  It happened when I checked my phone for email toward the end of the evening and found a missed email that had come early in the day, regarding our house for sale in Virginia Beach.  As I scanned the email, I read from our realtor that someone had made a fairly low – but real – offer on our house.  There were several emails in a thread going back and forth between the realtor and my wonderful, fairy god-sister Organizer friend Lisa ( — I’ve told you about Lisa before, and I’ll tell you about her again, as she is still a miracle in our lives, even long distance.  Call her if you are in any kind of organizationally challenged position!).  The realtor wanted to get back to them asap with an appropriately agreed upon counter offer.

It was dark.  To successfully make a phone call, I needed to go out to another building, the gazebo, where the internet and phone work best.  It’s pouring crazy making rainforest rain.  I’m past the hour that I like to be wandering around in the dark in my crocs, scanning for assorted creatures with my flashlight.  Anyway…let’s just say that by the time I reached Lisa and made my way back to the house, I was in the kind of state that elicited, “What’s wrong?” from Hubby, as he felt my energy and heard my voice.

Truly — Nothing is wrong, nothing was wrong.  There is nothing to worry about.  But the tiny event of missing a day of communication about our house opened a passageway for the state of “There’s nothing to worry about” to leak away from me.

I’m pulling it back.  I’m reeling it in.  I’m re-gathering my energy.  Sensing my Self, my feet..the breath entering my body.  We are about to pick up Sofia and Michelle from school and drive for our first Monday night group meeting with the group in Santo Domingo.  We’ll spend the night away from the farm and return tomorrow afternoon.  Pulling and gathering, collecting something back into myself that I know is important…and is just out of reach…like the name of a friend that escapes us for a moment, we are startled at what we’ve lost..yet pulling..seeking, reaching back into our Selves to become our Selves, again and again.  Until maybe someday, maybe today, maybe now…we will no longer reach back out from the darkness to become who we already are.  We are the Self we have sought,  right here.  Ever here.

Sending you all the biggest waves of peace, love, happiness, health, safety and goodness.  Everyone. xoxo

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